A DEEPLY IMPORTANT MATTER

BY OTIS PANTS

OPA LOCKA, Fla. -- This may come off as slightly redundant, but I nweed to rewiterate dat no one seems to be heering me when I squeam about da fact dat you guys fweed me ebery meal sixxty to ninnety minutes late. I dwon't undestand how you can't hear me. I'm lwoud as hell. Da people upstairs hwear me. As I mentioned, Futfut hears me. Bwut I yell wight in yor face, and you guys act like I'm not squeaming. Pwease attend to this matter.

DWEEP REWAXATION

BY FUTFUT

MEMPHIS -- Perhaps you've taken sum of my bweth work quasses on ywour path to serenity. Perhaps jew are looking for something to thaw your hiddwen anxieties and have read some of my mor pwofound work at da pwinted version of Feline Chronicles. I bwelieve I have a better path for jew. Dwon't live like jew always have da zoomies. Join the loaf life. In jwust ten easy classes, you can get my home schwooling kit that teaches you da baswics on a bwetter lwife. Awl it takes is ten easy payments of polynesian bawbeque. Jew can pay in instwallments with fwuture fwinancing, putting down a down payment of one grandmas chicken swoop and one polynesian bawbeque, and I guwantee you results. Breathwork. Exerswise. Warm tummy on heating pad. Dees are da shortcuts to happiness. I also suggest a vigorous stretch lwike when I get up from seven stwaight hours on the bed and curl my backup parabola stwyle to feel better about mwyself and mwy flexibilitiy, pywhysically and spriituwallly.

BY SIto (a pseudonym for Otis spelled backwards)

In mwhy mwany years of living, I've lwearned many impotent wisdoms. But there is one truth bwigger than the rest, and that is this: Mommy needs only won man, and that, of course, is me. I dwont understand why we need the cwumsy dog in da house. I dwont understwand why Da Big Gwuy has to lib here. I think it should be just me snuggling mommy frum da side, and on her chwest and pwutting my forehead agwainst hers. It shwould be pwivate and ours and dwoesn't need awny interfearance. Stethan Hawking ober der, with his dum mask and his cwazy hair, is nwot in any way useful in securing my hapiness with his bewildred dishevhellment. He cwant be twusted and neider can da black guy. No, not Al. Earl. Dat wagging tail is going to kill someone. Also, not to be a snitch, but I caut him peeing on da rug three times and i'm disgusted by how much he lwikes our turds and dats why he has Brad breath.